Diary of a Pirate Wench

It's been FOREVER since I've updated this journal. XDDDD
Woww.
I forget that it's a place for random everyday things - but I've been so busy since last update with college work and everything... and it's just, ugh... xD

So, yesh!
Today, I am beginning to make a wish list of clothes - for I dearly want a new wardrobe, I just don't have the money. x3
God damn Japanese brands!
Included in this list is a top hat, and a coat with tails! OvO
As well as some new shoes - platform Mary Janes and a pair of DMs peez.

Harry has mine, whilst I'm on the tail end of it. :)
So, now he's curled up in bed, dying, while I'm coming back from the dead.
Zombiez! :)

Other than that, I totally need to get some modelling in Maya done before Thursday.
Or death will probably befall me.
Gonna take a peek at Z-Brush tutorials too.
See where that gets me!
God damn I hate modelling with a passion, but I want to improve, so here we go! :)

I ask.
You promise.
You do it anyway.
I ask.
You promise.
You wait a while, then do it again.
I ask.
You promise....
And so on and so forth... :/

But what does it matter if you're not going to keep it?
Its unbelievably frustrating.
Especially when its the one thing that hurts.
The only thing.

This has been going on months now.
What am I supposed to do?
Hm?

I'm at a complete and total loss. *sigh*

Every time I think I'm getting skinnier, it turns out I've put on 5 pounds. XD

I NEED to find some way of exercising that fits in with my day and everything!

At this rate, it will be an hour of Wii Fit when I get up, after I buy a yoga mat.
Or just jogging around the house, until then. :)

I need a routine...
ROUTINE dammit!

College has begun!

It's been really nice to see people, even the people I thought I wasn't looking forward to seeing for various reasons! xD

We've got some nice work for our first term - I've gotta do a storyboard this weekend and come up with a concrete idea for character design to do for next week. :) We're filming some live action stuff on Weds, and then we get to mess about with it in After Effects, which, to be fair, is a pretty sweet unit. xD

Lots of tea and coffee have been consumed, and various other bits of food. :)
I'm liking it.
Just need to get a container so I can take some lunch with me to work today! :) And tomorrow. And Monday. :)

Concert on Tuesday!
Manically excited.
I love the rush of knowing that an amazing musician is coming to my city, and I get to go see them! x3

Other than that, more people are coming to look at the house and decide whether or not to make us homeless. :)

And that's about it! :)

JA NE. <3

It looked so lonely, and hasn't been updated for like, 3 weeks, nearly a month!!!

I've been SO goddamn busy with so much shit!!

We moved house on Tuesday, so we're all getting settled into our new, temporary, Lewisham lifestyle (JOY OF JOYS)..
So, got no internet there yet. T____T Might be a couple of days still, but hey!
It'll get there eventually! :)

BARCELONA IN A LITTLE OVER TWO WEEKS.
LONDON IN A LITTLE LESS.
OHMYGOD I'M SO EXCITED.

That week is going to be one fan-fucking-tastic week.
Miyavi, twice, in the space of 7 days. :)

Other than that, mehhh. :)
Life's not so interesting, BUT college is back on Monday!
HEART HEART HEART.
Human interaction! Constantly!
ALL WEEK. <3

Dear me, I miss other humans.
I love Harry and all, but there's only so much I can take not seeing everybody else!


Cannot waitttt for next year. Diru tour, quite possibly, and various other amazingly amazing shite happenin! :)
<3333

Apparently, I'm bossy.
But, Harry can't remember incindents where I've BEEN bossy.
Which is doing my head in, because I do not consider myself bossy.

There is nothing I make him do, ffs.
I do most of it myself. ><
And I cannot deal with being the only one willing to clean up the damn house or do laundry, or hang it out...

Why yes, he does cook.
But doesn't often clean up after himself.
x.x

The house was filthy.
It's looking better.
A combination of teamwork and me feeling like I'm nagging, which i hate doing.
I don't want to be negative.
BLEAGH.

Well, so much for suggesting things to do on a day out.
I'll just go do them myself.


Grrr.

So, it's nearly 10am on a Sunday, and here I am, finishing my coffee and talking about wireless music HDs. :)

MY HOUSE NEEDS TIDYING.
I feel like a a superhero, for I'm the only one who can do it right. :)

Though it does get on my nerves.
Wondering what to do for dinner, too. :)

I shouldn't drink coffee on an empty stomach.
It works it magic so much faster than when there's food in there. x.x

I'm excited!
Going to visit Ginge for the first time in a while today.
Bum around at hers for a couple hours, then make my way home to cook dinnerrrr. :D

but I still have to work out what to do! :)

<3333333

So much love for life and the world recently.
I've been mega happy, for no reason!

I will also be thinking of a proper purpose for this blog soon.
Possibly food and my local area or whatever.
Or even awesome things I buy from places when I have money.
And occasional trips to see musicians. <3

:)

I have trouble believing that men sometimes understand the mechanics of a relationship properly.

Romance, people.
Romance, romance, romance.

Flowers, chocolates, candlelit dinners, walks in the park or by a river...
Not "I want to do naughty things to you."

Not sex.
Sex, whilst it can be, really isn't all that romantic most of the time.


No sex until romance, and my self esteem have been rekindled.
None.

I have the amazingly catchy theme song for Samurai Sentai Shinkenger in my head.

And when I say catchy, I mean catchy!!

In other news, the food in Thailand looks a-fucking-mazing.
And I will, in the future, be planning/skiving on a trip out there just to try it.
All the more win if someone I work for in future needs me to go and sightsee for modelling reference or art reference.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

Tom yum goong in particular seems like it'd melt your face off, but looks amazingly delicious.
As do all the seafood dishes.
And that one expensive restaurant that's like a supermarket in Bangkok!

Damn you, Rick Stein!!
Damn yoooou!!
*shakes fist*

Blasphemy.

I have not updated in a week.
What nonsense is this?!

Weeeell, nothing much has changed.
Which is alright, I guess. :)

I'm in shop by myself ALLLLLLLLLL week. :D
Wheee~

Nothing useful to say today.
Apart from that I feel epicly like an old lady.



If you like I will stretch out this filthy hand of mine as far as you like.
We wont need a guide or anything, so let's walk together eyes closed.

Did you know, that a nife hurts more when it's pulled than when it's stabbed?
And a flower, doesn't even know it's own beauty it's entire life.
Sad, huh?

If you held onto my back just a little, it would lessen the wind a bit I suppose?
Hey if you're going to hesitate I'll drop you. Boys & Girls, hurry hurry up.

So it seems that I can't give you a kiss goodnight,
Sorry, therefore I'll sing.
So, how's that for "fair play"? (cries)
Then, what about "flattery"? (fumes)
What I said is pretty stupid, right? (laughs)

If you give me a chance, apologize and I say [Girls, be ambitious.]

A lonely night
Lonliness from wanting to cry, when you can't run away, from anxiety when you don't understand,
Will probably come to you, I'm afraid.

I can't play Fallout 3 by myself.
Don't ask.

I fear death in games.
XD
I HATE DYING.

And in Fallout, it happens to me a lot. >:
Mainly because I seem to pick rubbish tag skills. :)

But not this time!
With only half an hour to do stuff before I have to sort out leaving for work, and the depression of coming home after instead of going to see D'espa *crycry*, I'm changing my tag skills and seeing what effect this has !! :)


Unsure as to why I'm blogging about Fallout, but never you mind. :)
It's either this or Viva Pinata!

So, other than a day and a half at work, a day of feeling quite ill, and a day spent in Leicester Square receiving the full force of those storms on Tuesday, I haven't done an awful lot this week.

So, instead, I've been thinking.
Quite a lot, actually.

I've done a lot (not as many as some) of things wrong in my short time.
Of course, there are things that I'd like to change.
But, if I changed them, I wouldn't be the person I am now.
So, in a way, I'm kind of grateful for making the mistakes that I did, and the decisions that I have.


Other than that, I have so much time off, that I've run out of interesting things to do.
Loving the Sims 3, but there's only so much of that my brain can take.
Pokémon is great during work.
I really want to go somewhere.
But, my current funds total £10.
And that has to pay for a multitude of things.

Guh.
><

I feel like there's a giant scream in my chest waiting to inflict itself upon a person who steps on one too many toes.

Which, at this rate, could just be one toe. :/

I dunno what's wrong with me.
I can't seem to bring myself to accept that fact that he watches what he does.
I dunno.
Makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job or something.
It hurts my heart to think about it.
And i don't want to pry or snoop, but I can't ask without feeling like I'm doing that.
But in the meantime, I drive myself up the wall just thinking about it.

Is it me he thinks about?


I believe his eyes.
But, god knows what's made me so paranoid the second I step away from his presence.
It keeps me awake at night.
I'm so scared that one of us will do something stupid.
Me because of being all paranoid, and he because.. I don't really know. Anything, really.


UUUGH.
I need a release for all this tension in my head.
It won't go away for a long time, though.
><

Why does it bother me so much, hm?

Is it because he's hiding it from me, and being so shifty about it, after having told me he doesn't watch it anymore?

Or is it the principle of what he's doing?

Makes me feel like I'm doing something, somewhere wrong, and that I'm unattractive.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.....


I need to chat to a dude about this.
'Cause I doubt he's gonna own up or something anytime soon.
And it just depresses me to be thinking about it otherwise.
FEH....

Sometimes, I wish I was bland, and emotionless.
Or at least had the guts to walk up to him and say something.
But, I don't.

I wish I had the guts to say a lot of things to him.
I mean, he knows I worry about the amount he drinks and smokes.
He even says he's probably gonna be dead in 10 years.
And ffs, you know, I don't want to think about that just yet.
He shouldn't be dead at 30.
Or even, that much before me.

I remember when we were talking about our exes in the car.
All two of mine.
And then the 5 or 6 girls before me. It made me kinda sad, as I wasn't expecting it. I know it's not unusual, but hey.
Depressing, nonetheless.
As is when he mentions, in passing, stuff he's done.
Depressing.
Depressing, depressing, depressing.

Evening to myself, tonight.

Everything.
'Nuff said.

In truth, being a child was, and occasionally still is, the greatest period of my life.
I miss not having to pay for things, and taking the sunny summer days for granted.
I miss having weeks of time to actually do nothing.

I can only hope most peoples' childhood is the part of life they cherish most - 'cause it's carefree.
No bills, no super important deadlines...
Only fights you have to clear up with your friends are generally very petty, but not that you notice at the time... :)

Everything is interesting, colourful... Even when things are boring, there's something interesting going on somewhere.



¡Odd mind dump ahead!







I still feel like I'm losing my mind somedays.
The sight of my own blood is wonderful.
Not in great, masochistic amounts or ways.
But just a little trickle of deep red running down the top of my forearm. Just from opening a gnat bite and clenching the muscle to keep the blood flowing.
And then watching it proceed to clot.
Very, very interesting.
You wouldn't think so. xD
But it is.

I seem to be a little masochistic/sadistic somedays.
I think Harry is definitely a masochist.
But is it sadistic that I enjoy indulging in this side of him occasionally?
I disapprove if he happens to injure himself, but I'm quite happy to rake his skin til he bleeds. Doesn't happen often, but it does happen.
I don't notice until I look, but he asks...
Gah.
Forget it.
It's normal, normal, normal for couples to do that kind of thing.
Normal, normal, normal.

"You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be."

For the first time in a while, I heard (albeit a cover by Ronan Keating) Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls on the radio.
And it took me back a little to when I first heard it, and how I felt...
Just listening to the words and the melody.
It's such a sweet, heart-rending little song.
It actually made me quite sad.

But now, some of the words strike home properly.
And it does a pretty accurate description of how I feel, in some ways, about Harry.
I never want for things to end, though this song mentions them that way.
I'd give up a lot of things for him - but there are some things that I will not.
I know there's always a chance, but I believe we're good together - it sure feels that way.
He's like the other half of my soul and my mind.
We have our differences, but that's what keeps it interesting.

I'm here for him til the day I die.
I would say I hope we go together, but that's very, very unlikely. ):
I know someone out there will pish tush this, but meh. I hope it's not too long before we're together again.
He's my raison d'être.




Ugh, as much as Mushi is the most beautiful, beautiful song, it never, ever fails to make me cry. Whether a little or a lot.
So melancholy.
I dread the day it ever is performed live in front of me.
I would not be able to hold back tears.
D:

I write about thinking I'm crazy a hell of a lot.
But I suppose I only write about it, because losing my mind is something I truly fear.

I mean, what could be worse than having no control over yourself, and no understanding?
I like to be in control of situations, so I don't get drunk, I suppose casual smoking would be fine but I couldn't submit myself to it fulltime.
I hate being sick - involuntary response to something bad in your stomach/system.

I like control.
Not in a super possessive kind of way.
But I like to feel that I can handle the situation.

I don't plan ahead, I am unorganised.
But, I have complete say over what I do.
These are just old habits.

If I desperately wanted/needed to, I could change myself.

But I don't need, or want to.
At least, not yet.

I know that somewhere, I totally have schizotypal/autistic tendencies.
Schizophrenia is the only mental illness the internet ever seems to tell me that is likely for me to have. XD

But enough.
Done now.
Thought train of the morning over a cuppa, waiting to tidy up before breakfast - done.

God dayum, they just get hotter.
Quite literally actually.
The latest pics are of them all sweaty at their gig in Holland (DAMN YOU GIZ FOR GOING. T_______T)

Only listened to a minute of Toguro, which depressed me enough to allow tears to form in my eyeballs.
They didn't go anywhere, because then I started ranting like this.
:)

Been listening to the same band for 5 years now.
And my love for them grows and grow.
Infact, I started listening to them not long after I started talking to Joe, so it was a good year for two things, 2004.

They've helped me through a surprising amount, somewhat subconsciously actually.
But, I do love them more than life itself, and I'd give a limb to go see 'em live again.
Nothing beats staring straight at the people who inspire you with sound and vision.


Have some Toguro lyrics, as they're beautiful and gloomy.

"Kill the tongue"
"The Silence of the White"
"It bloats as words"
"Eagerness crawls near"

The crumbling temptation has a smiling face
The blurred night bursts
"Cover scars with scars"
"Darkness, Doubt and Human Nature"
"Crave each other like crazy"

Shooting of the people that can adapt

She picks the petals of the butterfly smilingly
Superiority
Scatter peacefully
Be broken so mount
Shut your eyes and yourself from reality
The loser human drifts forever
It won't be heard

Shooting of the people that can adapt

The demand the gathering for the camouflage, the destruction of order in the lines
Reality, entertainment, and the nothingness opens up the wound
You trace the answer with your finger

Dancing Slowly Forever Sick

Quarter to ten on a Sunday morning.
I'm drinking a cuppa.
Wondering what to do for breakfast.
And waiting for our NEW FRIDGE FREEZAR to turn up. :D
<3

It is muy sexy, all sleek and white with silver accents.

Other than that, omg sadface, because Baby, The Stars Shine Bright are opening a shop in SF.
Awaiting with baited breath, the day that a EGL/EGA shop opens its door here in London.
Tho, I am tempted to head up to Camden with some money and buy one of the shitty dresses to appease the lack of adorable outfits in my possession.
All I gots is my foofy skirt that's no good in the wind!

Surprisingly little has gone on this week.
Just work, and a couple of days at uni, second to last lesson of life drawing...
And the realisation that  I got a lotta work to get on with in the next week, which shall happen after my hopefully hearty breakfast!
:D

Chuz~